01.17.08
10 absolute “No!s” for coders
I enjoyed 10 Absolute “Nos!” for Freelancers. This appears to be sound advice. As a counter to this sage advice, I give you
10 Absolute “No!s” for coders
1. Can you comment your code? No!
People ask me all the time if I can comment my code. I just won’t do it. Commenting my code simply invites lesser programmers to come along and steal my job. Remember this, commenting your code will only get you fired.
2. Can you use this/that design pattern? No!
Design patterns merely sell books and create bloated code. The answer is no. Too many devs rely on a singleton that really should have been a global. Why does no one praise global variables anymore? They are all scared by the design pattern mafia.
3. Can you stop using a global variable called temp4 and be more descriptive? No!
I’m old school. If you can’t remember all of your variables and what they do, you should not be writing code. Pure and simple, you should just sit down and remember this stuff.
4. Can you use this/that language for this project? No!
Assembly is good enough for Steve Gibson. It’s good enough for me. People who do not code in assembly regularly simply lose touch of reality quickly. Then people ask why I even need an assembler. Why not machine code? Machine code is never ever portable!
5. Can you get me some coffee? No!
People think because you are not a high-paid, suit wearing consultant, you have to do everything for them. I stop at coffee. I will get you water if I am getting a cup, but not coffee. It’s too demeaning.
6. Can you take a shower? No!
I’ve been here for 22 hours. I don’t have time to take a friggin shower.
7. Can you write down how the config node works for the rest of us? No!
See 1 above.
8. Can you fix your buffer overflow or memory leak? No!
I can find many better things to do than fix a memory leak that probably came from some else’s library.
9. Can you write this as a reusable library? No.
Why would anyone ever want to use my code?
10. Can you write your code on more than one line? No!
There is a reason for semicolons to exist. They separate code. If you can’t read my code, you should get emacs or some IDE to format it for you.
Strangely, one programmer once worked with me who said no to maybe 8 of these requests. I was flabbergasted. Here was a real-life Bartelby that refused to do everything that comes natural to most coders. I have seen multiple functions written on one line. That’s fine, but very hard to debug. I’m still not sure what to due with my temp3 and temp4 variables. Maybe they mean something. For the record I never asked another coder to get me coffee.
thatStupidGuy said,
March 12, 2008 at 2:23 pm
Do you actually still work in software development? Your thoughts are so eighties (i don’t mention the century to be polite).
>> “Remember this, commenting your code will only get you fired.”
Sadly, you code for YOU, not for the company which hired you.
>> “Can you use this/that design pattern? No!”
Yeah the Gang of four and all those snobby people are just a bunch of dummies compared to YOU, the ALMIGHTY! You’re smart enough to do the same thing in assembly.
>> “Can you use this/that language for this project? No! Assembly is good enough for Steve Gibson. It’s good enough for me.”
Please post a tutorial on how to do enterprise (transactional and all this) Web app in assembly. I’m sure this is the future of Web programming but i’m unfortunately still a noob.
>> “Can you comment your code? No!”
Can i reuse your code? No!
>>”Why would anyone ever want to use my code?”
Things being put the way you put them in your post, i would never. Even if your code did actually nice things. Better rewrite the code you did in 2 weeks in 2 days than digging into your Crypto-Pseudo elitist garbage.
>> ” Can you get me some coffee? No!”
I like being nice so i like to propose my colleague to get them back some Java (oops sorry) when i get one for me. BTW, they just do the same! We also do this with beers after work once in a while but i guess you can’t understand this.
>> “I’ve been here for 22 hours. I don’t have time to take a friggin shower.”
Use some modern 20th/21st century tools/frameworks and you will smell good (colleagues will thank you - being thanked by colleagues is a nice feeling, just experience it once). You will only work 2 hours a day for the same productivity.
>> “People who do not code in assembly regularly simply lose touch of reality quickly”
Good point there, it’s always good to get back to the roots.
>> “I can find many better things to do than fix a memory leak that probably came from some else’s library.”
This is an easy one, i used to use it with teacher when learning programming. That’s not my fault! I promise!
BTW, where do you find those punching cards? I’d like one to put on my wall.
I love your style!
Keep on posting!